Friday, 10 December 2010

The Abandoned Nutcrackers Dating Trilogy

Somewhere deep down in the abyss of my mind, I could see a beautiful lagoon with varied hues, an aura very distinctive in shape, like a baby's bottom, its soft moulds looked like mountain peaks with the sun already high above them. It seemed like I was lost in a beautiful song offering unrivaled views of it's surrounds. It was a clear soothing evening in late summer, birds chorused in the forest below and hawks circled high in the sky, bees buzzed around the flowers under my feet. Millions and millions of trees aligned like army men ready to parade and the forest stretched so far away that even the Hubble telescope could see no end to it.

As I moved into the forest, the lanes became thinner and thinner until it gave way to flat prairie land full of exuberant hues, chirping birds, cascading streams and the sweet scent of mahogany. As the lanes got thinner, my hopes went higher.

What if I meet my Prince charming? This could be my day, I was so thrilled and then I could see something. Oh Yes!!!People!!May be they work for my prince, I thought. It was the moment I was waiting for all these years, I ran towards them and stopped. The smile on my face disappeared looking at those five faces.

Tring!! Tring!! Tring!! Tring!!!

Happy Birthday Su!!!Oh No!! Another dream ...I sulked.

My Name is Su alias Supriya and this is a sneak peek of a day in my life.

I softly opened my eyes knowing what was going to happen. My tryst with five faces, the ones I dreamt about, actually the ones who incorporated themselves in my dreams, they had to be everywhere. 

“Happy Birthday Su, I profoundly welcome you once again to this world of Dichotomy, irony nonetheless bountiful of surprises and happiness. I thank you for soliciting your substantial presence in my life.”

“Oh!! Thanks Mom ! I am a very gracious recipient of your generosity and munificence.”

Sheila was rolling on the floor laughing, I asked her to shut her mouth. Let me introduce Sheila, she is my conscious, my aspiring spirit, my soul mate, my partner and my only spiritual friend because the normal mortals run away from me  just by having a sneak peek of my family from a  minimum distance of 2 Miles .Sheila was my only source of rationality without her I would be mad by now. Finally Sheila stopped laughing, I was embarrassed.

My mom Maya is such a personality, she is a Public speaker and has been one all her life. We have to put up with her mannerisms even at home.Eventually she does not mean half of what she says. Mom seldom does this on deliberation, dad tells me it is soaked in her blood. Dad fell in love with mom in a public meeting where she was campaigning for the welfare of the physically challenged children. Nevertheless I loved my mom, she is beautiful, kind, a lovely cook and of course a speech master.
Happy Birthday Su darling!! 

May you have all the mirth in life but I don't think its possible nevertheless I don't want to sound cynical. When I was in Vietnam fighting the Indians I was always thinking about starting a foundation for kids and celebrating their birthdays with grandeur, unfortunately I had to stay there to contest for local elections.

Thank you Dad!! You are great, but Vietnam War was with the US right??

Dad said, “No darling it was with Indians first and then the US dropped in to help them.” I said, “Wow Dad!! You have more information than my history text book”. 

Sheila whispered “Your father is one big bag of delusions, his stories are impossible to believe”. I stared at her and she kept mum. 

My Dad Ras was a hardcore megalomaniac but he would kill us if we pointed it out. He was a self assumed optimist with gallons of mystic wrapped within. I loved him though, he is a great Dad.

Ha...Ha...Ha...P...P...PIES...BA...BA …Birr… DA… DA …DAY… SSS SU!!

Thank you Uncle Roy!

Uncle Roy, my dad's brother, he stammered a little and had huge complex about it. He loves me a lot, I love him too except for one thing in him which I disliked the most. He ogles at older women right in their face, err… not face exactly in surrounding landscapes. The worst part is he does it right in front of his family and neither have they had any issues with it nor the older women. When I say older women I mean, old women, my grandma's classmates. 

He had many dates with her friends but was seriously in love with one of them few months ago. She was 65, had wrinkles like a 1000 year old tree and died due to a heart attack the day they had sex. Uncle Roy was shattered, he has not dated any one since.

Sheila and I found it disgusting, we had to find a date for him which was the agenda for my Birthday!!

Happy Birthday Supriya!! May you live long like my denim jean trousers and smell fresh like my red socks”haha... 

Thank you grandpa, love you!!!

My grandpa, an intense gentleman, except for the fact that he is one of the most substantial reason for which my Family has been tagged “Abandoned Nutcrackers” by the civilians. He has a rare sense of humor beautifully marinated with kleptomania. He has this zany mannerisms which scares people .Few instances of his legendary are  like pulling pants down ,not his others pants, repeating the conversation till the other person runs away and so on, there are so many in the list. He has been arrested many times and he brags about it. Nonetheless I love him, he is one crazy little sweet fellow!!

Yappy Berthdai Dearu! I yap somethingu specialu to giving you, liking, I happy.

“Grandma what is it”? I woke up and galloped to the living room.

There stood a mannequin clad in a beautiful pink gown, looked like a wedding gown resting under the shade of a peach tree. I hugged her and tears of joy cascaded down my droopy eyes. She hugged me and kissed my cheek and said “Havingu a gooddu day my dollu”.

My Grandmother was the only sane sole in our family. She spoke broken English mixed with Kannada with the confidence of Barrack Obama. She knitted our family into one fine fabric. Without her, our family would be in a mental asylum. Our neighbors bear with all of us only for the sake of my grandma. She is my Icon, my inspiration and my love.

 I hated birthdays, they always gave me creeps and mostly the memory of my last Birthday still lingers in my mind like the dripping cheese from a Mac Donald burger. I lost all my friends on that day.

It was a normal weird day for me. I was looking forward for the Birthday party and mostly for that hunk living next door. 

I begged my mom to invite him, she said “I shall endeavor with my best foot forward to cordially acquaint myself with them and shall invite them to our epoch of incandescence “.

I said “Whatever Mom”, with a gleaming smile and a picture of kissing him, in my mind.

Late in the evening, the party was going good...Great Music, good food, lovely crowd, that hunk staring at me, I thought this is heaven until my family dropped in. I introduced them to all my friends and they got started.

Mom said, “Hello, Good evening and welcome to all knotted to this vicious circle of life to the most refreshing lifetime experience. This epoch is certainly going to metamorphose our lives into a gigantic ball of gleaming refulgence. Firstly allow me to welcome our chief guests my father Mr. Das, mother Mrs. Reni, my husband Mr. Ras, my brother Mr. Roy, my sweet child Su and last but not the least my lovable audience. We hope you have a good time here, we have lots of fun and good food lined up for you.”She yelled so loud that one of our window panes cracked and few of my friends ran out of the house.

Mom seldom noticed it, she went inside to finish her chores and dad in his red embarrassing skimpy gown got started. He told them his stories in Vietnam, Iraq and Afghanistan, the story of bloodshed, slitting people and eating them, he also made scary faces to add effects to his presentation. He also told them about his trip to heaven and how god sang Lady Marmalade with all the costume and red lipstick, he also danced like Christina Aguilera in his red skimpy costume, as if that wasn't enough my grandpa pulled my dad's panties down and he had nothing under. Both started laughing and all my friends galloped like a mad horse. Grandpa had stolen all their shoes and they had to run barefoot. Next day we had a cop scorching for him.

I promised myself never to invite anybody home ever. Nobody has spoken to me since. 

I was hurt but now I am very happy with Sheila. 

This year I am prepared to forgo my worries and find a young date for Uncle Roy. 
I got dressed in that pink gown and I looked like an angel any man would die for.

Grandma asked “Su what you to be doing today?” in her language. She was asking about my plans, I said “I just want to relax at home and maybe we could go out for a stroll in the evening”, she smiled and nodded.

Mom had made World's best pineapple pancake, she asked me about my plans too.

“Su dear! Do you have any agenda that can be reviewed and scheduled accordingly?”.

I just nodded and she knew that was a Leave me alone sign.

Dad, Grandpa and Uncle Roy were about to leave for a stroll, I did not want another police case. I offered to accompany them, so all of us went to Cathedral Park. It is a family park situated in the center of Mysore city, we loved that place and used to visit once a week. I spent most of my childhood there and have millions of sweet memories attached to it. In the park dad was meditating, grandpa was scorching for shoes and uncle ogling at older women.

Sheila and I were thinking about million ways of getting Uncle Roy hooked, she gave me weird ideas and on the contrary I was tenaciously endeavoring to be rational. 

She said “Uncle Roy stammers, we can hook him up with a girl who has sympathy for such kinds”. This is incorrigible Sheila, how can you be so down market, I am trying to find someone who loves him, did you get my point”?

What is this charade all about, who is getting it, the wind? 

I just turned back to see where this was coming from. Oh good heavens the hunk from neighborhood, it was almost a year since I saw him.

 He came to me and said “Hello Supriya, my name is Sri, your hunky neighbor and I profoundly apologize for my behavior on your birthday last year, I was really silly. It's not your fault, we all are weird in our own ways. It dint occur to me that time, I was a fool but I regret now for all that I have done, I apologize for being so immature. I wanted to tell you this from a long time but never found you alone. I came with grandma for a stroll, just saw you and followed you”. 

He smiled, I felt like a million bubbles bursting in my heart, such a beautiful dimple, big enough for me to drown in it. I couldn't look into his eye, he was too handsome. I did not want to get into this again.

I thanked him and said” I am sorry, I never knew your name, your cuteness is very overwhelming for me and override my intentions to know anything else about you. You are also bestowed with a good heart which is like an icing to my attraction, thank you for being there”.

Meanwhile grandpa stole a pair of shoes and had pulled the pants of a lady exercising, who was chasing him now.

 Sheila yelled “Look at grandpa something has gone wrong”. I had to run, so just mumbled something to him and ran to grandpa's rescue. We hid the shoes behind the bush and embarked on a conversation like nothing had happened. Sri couldn't understand anything, he came running behind me. 

“What happened?” he asked.

Grandpa told him with a huge laughter as if he had won a battle “I had peed in my pants, so I am really embarrassed to get up, Su is just giving me company not in peeing but in sitting...haha.

Sri was amused, he gave me an “Oh this is weird look” I was accustomed to that by now.

Dad and Uncle Roy joined us. They began their stories, dad of foreseeing Osama as the president of US and Uncle Roy of admiring the beautiful 60s bottom in the park. I had to walk the three safely to our house before Sri could regret his apology. 

We said goodbye to him and walked towards the entrance.

Sheila told me “Why don't you keep the shoes out, that person must be searching for it”. I told dad “You guys carry on, I left my bag in the park and I shall join you shortly”. They left and I was searching for the shoes and couldn't find them.

 “Are you searching for these”?? Sri was holding those shoes with a grin which was so close to grinding a hole in my mind. I smiled and said “Yes! Thank you”, may I have them. He said of course but only if my grandmother says yes.

I was shocked, it was his grandmother's rear that was paraded and shoes stolen.
 I knew he knew it, I was embarrassed.

 Before I could say anything, Sri asked “How about today evening 6 pm at my pool”.
You mean like a date, I exclaimed!!, he said "Yes. I always wanted to date you". 

Sheila was oscillating with joy, I said “No Sri, I am not ready as yet. I want my uncle to get a date first, I want him to happy”.

Sri laughed at me, I was annoyed. He held my hand and turned me around.

OH MY GOD!!It was Uncle Roy and Sri’s grandma, they were kissing, I felt the ground beneath my feet crack. Sri said “I think the beautiful 60s bottom Uncle Roy was talking about belongs to my grandma and she likes him too, why wouldn't she? I stood like a stone, this is not right, my Grandfather  pulled her trousers and uncle rather than warning him, was busy admiring her rear , a 60 year old date!! 

Why am I born in this family??

Sheila told me “May be this is what he wants, I am sure it's not just her bottom, there should be something more which attracted them towards each other so instantly, let him have it, we only want him to be happy. I felt Sheila is right.

Sri, Sheila and I saw Uncle Roy and Sri’s grandma walking hand in hand gradually disappearing in the lanes just like in my dreams. I was happy, this time for Uncle Roy.
Sri asked me again “What about 6 PM? 

 I said “How about 5 PM”?

 I reached home, hugged mom and told her about my date. She said “An ideal date should marinate outward circumstances and inward necessity”.

“Whatever mom” I said and danced away to my room to choose my dress for the evening.

Sheila sighed “Finally a date for Uncle Roy” I said “Yes and one for me too,” we smiled.

 I wore a beautiful red gown with ruby necklace and bracelet. 

Sheila told me I looked like a princess. It is my first date with a handsome guy in a very romantic place, I was excited. 

When I rang the doorbell, he opened it for me, seemed like no one else was at home. We danced like peacocks in the rain, we ate like pigs and joked about our lives. 

We laughed our hearts out and then he kissed me on my cheek and said “You are too responsible for your age and that is what attracted me the most, how old are you, Ten?? I said “No, Twelve! He was surprised “You look very young to be Twelve.I said “You look very young to be Twenty too. “I am only Twelve Su, he retorted”. Oh really!! I gave him a puzzled look and we both laughed.