A Tryst with Self...

Essentially Yours !!!!!!

2011-12-14T12:37:00.000-08:00

I am lost...

Lost in you...

In your abyss..

In your realm..

I ruminate ...

An unheard song...

Deep in the tunnel...

I wander…

In search..

I fidget…

I perch..

Then I found you...

But without me...

I dont hear me anymore..

Where am I?

The life I gave..

The form I changed..

The sun I saw..

The tempest I raised...

Nevertheless,

I starched my mind

You still lingered

I sprinted away

You came closer..

I tried to ignore you...

And then

Saw your toothless smile...

I got lost again…

Again and again...

Lost in you…

Now and forever,

I am Essentially Yours !!!!!

Familiar Anomaly

2011-06-17T00:45:00.000-07:00

An insight
Insidious and vicious ,
I scamper !
I yearn !
I fret !
I let !
An instant,
I see the dawn
Pouring like mote
Through the hourglass
Into the wilderness .
An instant,
I feel the dusk
With her clutches
Suffocating my air
Refracting skewness .
A moment,
I bask in refulgence
Of life, of Mirth
A moment
I sulk in indulgence
Of shadows, of death .
I beckon my words,
For they will die like kings .
I reckon their shadows,
For they will perish like peasants.
Nevertheless,
I Marvel my life
It shreds an unknown dichotomy !
Neverthelss,
I marvel my life
It treads a familiar anomaly.

The Abandoned Nutcrackers Dating Trilogy

2010-12-10T03:13:00.000-08:00

Somewhere deep down in the abyss of my mind, I could see a beautiful lagoon with varied hues, an aura very distinctive in shape, like a baby's bottom, its soft molds looked like mountain peaks with the sun already high above them. It seemed like I was lost in a beautiful song offering unrivaled views of it's surrounds. It was a clear soothing evening in late summer, birds chorused in the forest below and hawks circled high in the sky, bees buzzed around the flowers under my feet. Millions and millions of trees aligned like army men ready to parade and the forest stretched so far away that even the Hubble telescope could see no end to it.

As I moved into the forest, the lanes became thinner and thinner until it gave way to flat prairie land full of exuberant hues, chirping birds, cascading streams and the sweet scent of mahogany. As the lanes got thinner, my hopes went higher.

What if I meet my Prince charming? This could be my day, I was so thrilled and then I could see something. Oh Yes!!!People!!May be they work for my prince, I thought. It was the moment I was waiting for all these years, I ran towards them and stopped. The smile on my face disappeared looking at those five faces.

Tring!! Tring!! Tring!! Tring!!!

Happy Birthday Su!!!Oh No!! Another dream ...I sulked.

My Name is Su alias Supriya and this is a sneak peek of a day in my life.

I softly opened my eyes knowing what was going to happen. My tryst with five faces, the ones I dreamt about, actually the ones who incorporated themselves in my dreams, they had to be everywhere.

“Happy Birthday Su, I profoundly welcome you once again to this world of Dichotomy, irony nonetheless bountiful of surprises and happiness. I thank you for soliciting your substantial presence in my life.”

“Oh!! Thanks Mom ! I am a very gracious recipient of your generosity and munificence.”

Sheila was rolling on the floor laughing, I asked her to shut her mouth. Let me introduce Sheila, she is my conscious, my aspiring spirit, my soul mate, my partner and my only spiritual friend because the normal mortals run away from me just by having a sneak peek of my family from a minimum distance of 2 Miles .Sheila was my only source of rationality without her I would be mad by now. Finally Sheila stopped laughing, I was embarrassed.

My mom Maya is such a personality, she is a Public speaker and has been one all her life. We have to put up with her mannerisms even at home.Eventually she does not mean half of what she says. Mom seldom does this on deliberation, dad tells me it is soaked in her blood. Dad fell in love with mom in a public meeting where she was campaigning for the welfare of the physically challenged children. Nevertheless I loved my mom, she is beautiful, kind, a lovely cook and of course a speech master.

Happy Birthday Su darling!!

May you have all the mirth in life but I don't think its possible nevertheless I don't want to sound cynical. When I was in Vietnam fighting the Indians I was always thinking about starting a foundation for kids and celebrating their birthdays with grandeur, unfortunately I had to stay there to contest for local elections.

Thank you Dad!! You are great, but Vietnam War was with the US right??

Dad said, “No darling it was with Indians first and then the US dropped in to help them.” I said, “Wow Dad!! You have more information than my history text book”.

Sheila whispered “Your father is one big bag of delusions, his stories are impossible to believe”. I stared at her and she kept mum.

My Dad Ras was a hardcore megalomaniac but he would kill us if we pointed it out. He was a self assumed optimist with gallons of mystic wrapped within. I loved him though, he is a great Dad.

Ha...Ha...Ha...P...P...PIES...BA...BA …Birr… DA… DA …DAY… SSS SU!!

Thank you Uncle Roy!

Uncle Roy, my dad's brother, he stammered a little and had huge complex about it. He loves me a lot, I love him too except for one thing in him which I disliked the most. He ogles at older women right in their face, err… not face exactly in surrounding landscapes. The worst part is he does it right in front of his family and neither have they had any issues with it nor the older women. When I say older women I mean, old women, my grandma's classmates.

He had many dates with her friends but was seriously in love with one of them few months ago. She was 65, had wrinkles like a 1000 year old tree and died due to a heart attack the day they had sex. Uncle Roy was shattered, he has not dated any one since.

Sheila and I found it disgusting, we had to find a date for him which was the agenda for my Birthday!!

Happy Birthday Supriya!! May you live long like my denim jean trousers and smell fresh like my red socks”haha...

Thank you grandpa, love you!!!

My grandpa, an intense gentleman, except for the fact that he is one of the most substantial reason for which my Family has been tagged “Abandoned Nutcrackers” by the civilians. He has a rare sense of humor beautifully marinated with kleptomania. He has this zany mannerisms which scares people .Few instances of his legendary are like pulling pants down ,not his others pants, repeating the conversation till the other person runs away and so on, there are so many in the list. He has been arrested many times and he brags about it. Nonetheless I love him, he is one crazy little sweet fellow!!

Yappy Berthdai Dearu! I yap somethingu specialu to giving you, liking, I happy.

“Grandma what is it”? I woke up and galloped to the living room.

There stood a mannequin clad in a beautiful pink gown, looked like a wedding gown resting under the shade of a peach tree. I hugged her and tears of joy cascaded down my droopy eyes. She hugged me and kissed my cheek and said “Havingu a gooddu day my dollu”.

My Grandmother was the only sane sole in our family. She spoke broken English mixed with Kannada with the confidence of Barrack Obama. She knitted our family into one fine fabric. Without her, our family would be in a mental asylum. Our neighbors bear with all of us only for the sake of my grandma. She is my Icon, my inspiration and my love.

I hated birthdays, they always gave me creeps and mostly the memory of my last Birthday still lingers in my mind like the dripping cheese from a Mac Donald burger. I lost all my friends on that day.

It was a normal weird day for me. I was looking forward for the Birthday party and mostly for that hunk living next door.

I begged my mom to invite him, she said “I shall endeavor with my best foot forward to cordially acquaint myself with them and shall invite them to our epoch of incandescence “.

I said “Whatever Mom”, with a gleaming smile and a picture of kissing him, in my mind.

Late in the evening, the party was going good...Great Music, good food, lovely crowd, that hunk staring at me, I thought this is heaven until my family dropped in. I introduced them to all my friends and they got started.

Mom said, “Hello, Good evening and welcome to all knotted to this vicious circle of life to the most refreshing lifetime experience. This epoch is certainly going to metamorphose our lives into a gigantic ball of gleaming refulgence. Firstly allow me to welcome our chief guests my father Mr. Das, mother Mrs. Reni, my husband Mr. Ras, my brother Mr. Roy, my sweet child Su and last but not the least my lovable audience. We hope you have a good time here, we have lots of fun and good food lined up for you.”She yelled so loud that one of our window panes cracked and few of my friends ran out of the house.

Mom seldom noticed it, she went inside to finish her chores and dad in his red embarrassing skimpy gown got started. He told them his stories in Vietnam, Iraq and Afghanistan, the story of bloodshed, slitting people and eating them, he also made scary faces to add effects to his presentation. He also told them about his trip to heaven and how god sang Lady Marmalade with all the costume and red lipstick, he also danced like Christina Aguilera in his red skimpy costume, as if that wasn't enough my grandpa pulled my dad's panties down and he had nothing under. Both started laughing and all my friends galloped like a mad horse. Grandpa had stolen all their shoes and they had to run barefoot. Next day we had a cop scorching for him.

I promised myself never to invite anybody home ever. Nobody has spoken to me since.

I was hurt but now I am very happy with Sheila.

This year I am prepared to forgo my worries and find a young date for Uncle Roy.

I got dressed in that pink gown and I looked like an angel any man would die for.

Grandma asked “Su what you to be doing today?” in her language. She was asking about my plans, I said “I just want to relax at home and maybe we could go out for a stroll in the evening”, she smiled and nodded.

Mom had made World's best pineapple pancake, she asked me about my plans too.

“Su dear! Do you have any agenda that can be reviewed and scheduled accordingly?”.

I just nodded and she knew that was a Leave me alone sign.

Dad, Grandpa and Uncle Roy were about to leave for a stroll, I did not want another police case. I offered to accompany them, so all of us went to Cathedral Park. It is a family park situated in the center of Mysore city, we loved that place and used to visit once a week. I spent most of my childhood there and have millions of sweet memories attached to it. In the park dad was meditating, grandpa was scorching for shoes and uncle ogling at older women.

Sheila and I were thinking about million ways of getting Uncle Roy hooked, she gave me weird ideas and on the contrary I was tenaciously endeavoring to be rational.

She said “Uncle Roy stammers, we can hook him up with a girl who has sympathy for such kinds”. This is incorrigible Sheila, how can you be so down market, I am trying to find someone who loves him, did you get my point”?

What is this charade all about, who is getting it, the wind?

I just turned back to see where this was coming from. Oh good heavens the hunk from neighborhood, it was almost a year since I saw him.

He came to me and said “Hello Supriya, my name is Sri, your hunky neighbor and I profoundly apologize for my behavior on your birthday last year, I was really silly. It's not your fault, we all are weird in our own ways. It dint occur to me that time, I was a fool but I regret now for all that I have done, I apologize for being so immature. I wanted to tell you this from a long time but never found you alone. I came with grandma for a stroll, just saw you and followed you”.

He smiled, I felt like a million bubbles bursting in my heart, such a beautiful dimple, big enough for me to drown in it. I couldn't look into his eye, he was too handsome. I did not want to get into this again.

I thanked him and said” I am sorry, I never knew your name, your cuteness is very overwhelming for me and override my intentions to know anything else about you. You are also bestowed with a good heart which is like an icing to my attraction, thank you for being there”.

Meanwhile grandpa stole a pair of shoes and had pulled the pants of a lady exercising, who was chasing him now.

Sheila yelled “Look at grandpa something has gone wrong”. I had to run, so just mumbled something to him and ran to grandpa's rescue. We hid the shoes behind the bush and embarked on a conversation like nothing had happened. Sri couldn't understand anything, he came running behind me.

“What happened?” he asked.

Grandpa told him with a huge laughter as if he had won a battle “I had peed in my pants, so I am really embarrassed to get up, Su is just giving me company not in peeing but in sitting...haha.

Sri was amused, he gave me an “Oh this is weird look” I was accustomed to that by now.

Dad and Uncle Roy joined us. They began their stories, dad of foreseeing Osama as the president of US and Uncle Roy of admiring the beautiful 60s bottom in the park. I had to walk the three safely to our house before Sri could regret his apology.

We said goodbye to him and walked towards the entrance.

Sheila told me “Why don't you keep the shoes out, that person must be searching for it”. I told dad “You guys carry on, I left my bag in the park and I shall join you shortly”. They left and I was searching for the shoes and couldn't find them.

“Are you searching for these”?? Sri was holding those shoes with a grin which was so close to grinding a hole in my mind. I smiled and said “Yes! Thank you”, may I have them. He said of course but only if my grandmother says yes.

I was shocked, it was his grandmother's rear that was paraded and shoes stolen.

I knew he knew it, I was embarrassed.

Before I could say anything, Sri asked “How about today evening 6 pm at my pool”.

You mean like a date, I exclaimed!!, he said "Yes. I always wanted to date you".

Sheila was oscillating with joy, I said “No Sri, I am not ready as yet. I want my uncle to get a date first, I want him to happy”.

Sri laughed at me, I was annoyed. He held my hand and turned me around.

OH MY GOD!!It was Uncle Roy and Sri’s grandma, they were kissing, I felt the ground beneath my feet crack. Sri said “I think the beautiful 60s bottom Uncle Roy was talking about belongs to my grandma and she likes him too, why wouldn't she? I stood like a stone, this is not right, my Grandfather pulled her trousers and uncle rather than warning him, was busy admiring her rear , a 60 year old date!!

Why am I born in this family??

Sheila told me “May be this is what he wants, I am sure it's not just her bottom, there should be something more which attracted them towards each other so instantly, let him have it, we only want him to be happy. I felt Sheila is right.

Sri, Sheila and I saw Uncle Roy and Sri’s grandma walking hand in hand gradually disappearing in the lanes just like in my dreams. I was happy, this time for Uncle Roy.

Sri asked me again “What about 6 PM?

I said “How about 5 PM”?

I reached home, hugged mom and told her about my date. She said “An ideal date should marinate outward circumstances and inward necessity”.

“Whatever mom” I said and danced away to my room to choose my dress for the evening.

Sheila sighed “Finally a date for Uncle Roy” I said “Yes and one for me too,” we smiled.

I wore a beautiful red gown with ruby necklace and bracelet.

Sheila told me I looked like a princess. It is my first date with a handsome guy in a very romantic place, I was excited.

When I rang the doorbell, he opened it for me, seemed like no one else was at home. We danced like peacocks in the rain, we ate like pigs and joked about our lives.

We laughed our hearts out and then he kissed me on my cheek and said “You are too responsible for your age and that is what attracted me the most, how old are you, Ten?? I said “No, Twelve! He was surprised “You look very young to be Twelve.I said “You look very young to be Twenty too. “I am only Twelve Su, he retorted”. Oh really!! I gave him a puzzled look and we both laughed.

Potato Chips

2010-10-20T04:16:00.000-07:00

I wonder, when and why

You buried me in thy soil of lie,

Let me spring with joy

Ploughed my spirits with trifles of coy

Seeded me with Ounces of dearth

Cascaded into me sprinkles of mirth

Wonder the plot of your vicious mind

To soak your manure so opined

I grew like a girl so scrawny

In your ever gleaming torch of irony

My other pleas to you my life

Play the tunes of my favorite fife

Let my spirits of crop grow

Let my essence of tuber show

Cut open my strife and stress

Clean all the spots and mess

Scrape me off my skin so dead

Salt and mold me In your finest tread

Embrace me with your oiled clips

Enjoy me, I am your Potato Chips

Preeti Venkateshan

Whenever You Come

2010-03-25T05:45:00.000-07:00

Ouch!!! Ahhh!!!!

“Here you go again, I would be glad if you could keep your hands confined”, I saw myself spitting fire that could have given a dragon run for noodles.

It was one of those shallow moments I preferred to stay aloof.

All of them seated in the bus including the driver gave me weird looks.

This isn’t fair! Why do people stare at me and ignore Rahul when something goes wrong?? Not that I am too pretty, well actually I am, but so is Rahul Sharma…HANDSOME!

He was still fiddling with my bangles and pinching my wrist.

I turned towards him to give him good and then I realized...

I couldn’t!!!

His face had a charm of a new born child, he had the innocence of a child’s smile,

His touch was as soft as a baby’s bottom, everything about him reminded me of a child.

Of course it would, because that’s the way I saw him... a childlike husband :)

I smiled at him and said “you won’t stop, will you?? “he said...” No Ree”

I hated that. My name is Riddhi sharma, and he called me Reee like in reee which could sound like Reeeee or reeeed or read depending on his mood or the food in his mouth.

What’s with this Reee??? I always wondered, but it was him and I was ready to give up anything for him.

I would often laugh at my friends watching romantic movies.

I always found them boring.

My time was and is spent watching horror movies.

I loved the concept of life after death.

Talking to the dead, forseeing future there were lot more to my list of endearing things to do before I die...

My parents found me scary, they thought I had a problem. Well!! I dintJ

And when they discovered I was in love with Rahul, they dint approve of it.

My dad told me he was one of my weird fascinations.

I was adamant, I fought, I cried, I pleaded and then I eloped.

It was the night before Diwali.

I lived in Delhi and we planned to move to Shimla, that was about 350 kms

Rahul was waiting for me in the garage, in dad’s car. (I had slipped him the keys)

I wore the new dress mom got me, packed my clothes, took some money from dad’s pocket and mom’s handbag and my piggy bank (I was 23 then …FYI)

We drove exactly in the midnight around 2 AM when my parents were making love.

The only thing I was sure about, living with them for so many years was their schedule ;)

So my plan went as precise as it was intended.

We reached shimla on Diwali, we got married on the same day in a Shiva temple.

We were so thrilled, excited and curious about our lives together.

Luckily we spent all the money we had like crazy goons on food and all that is unnecessary.

At the end of the day, we did not have a roof to stay but a lot of things to be kept under the roof:)

Rahul found a room in a decent Inn. He had arranged it as per our Plan.

That was the only thing I asked him to do and he had done his job well.

We made love like crazy for the next ten days, just ate, slept and made love.

I don’t remember having a wash as well.

On the eleventh day we were so tired of doing it, so gave ourselves a break.

I said “Rahul what about our future, what do we do for food”

He said “It is free for this week, my friend said it’s complimentary”

That was the happiest moment of my life, “Free food for 7 days, would you believe it”??

We spent the next week exploring shimla, taking pictures, eating free food and of course making love relentlessly.

Those were the best days of my life, trust me there wasn’t a moment I thought about my parents. He dint think too because he had none.

I know I am selfish but honestly Rahul was a gift from God.

He is so good, I never saw him angry, sad or cribbing about anything or anybody.

He called every moment of his life precious.

I am never able to fathom to this day, why did he love me?

What did I have in me to deserve him? I am all that he is not

Since the day we met I found myself melting and dissolving in his goodness.

All my friends who had nicknamed me “Ravenous Riddhi” were surprised at my metamorphosis.

Rahul is very handsome, and his inner beauty is more evident than the outer.

We met during a charity show in Shimla during my college days

He was training to be a teacher there and that was his birth place.

It was one of the most beautiful locations, which I had seen only in calendars and National geographic channel.

I was playing around with him as usual, for he was the cutest boy around.

I left to Delhi after the show and I found him at my doorstep the next day!!

I was shocked and felt guilty but there was nothing I could do.

I apologized and he left.

The next day I saw him near my college.

Trust me I was amazed at his innocence, his conviction and his love for me.

Rahul came to me and said “I am staying at my friend’s place madam, I won’t trouble you but would you let me see you everyday from a distance, I won’t even come near you”

I wondered what did I do or what was there in me that he came all the way.

It was too late I had fallen for him, I said “lets meet “.

Our lets meet escalated to lets go out, lets sing, lets dance, lets love, lets kiss and lets marry.

I found him terribly innocent, likeable, sweet, and humorous.

With him I found myself laughing all the time.

Dad was against it because he had dreams about packing me off with an NRI earning to glory.

A small town teacher with a small pocket was his last choice as a mortal.

“Reeee check this out “Rahul screamed while throwing a ball of snow on my face to bring me back from nostalgia.

We played like kids and went back to our room.

That night we dint make love, we spoke for the first time since we moved to Shimla.

Rahul said” I have asked my friend to drive back to Delhi and park your car home.

I don’t have enough money, so I have no choice but to take you to my small house nearby.”

We vacated the room and I was more than happy to go to our new home.

We decorated it with all the colors and decoratives I could get my hands on.

Our home brimmed with exuberant colors and flavors just like our lives.

He resumed to work and I picked up a job in the same school.

Time passed by sooner than we thought, before I realized we were celebrating our 5^th wedding anniversary.

Rahul wanted kids only after he built a school for the orphanage nearby.

Most of our earnings, donations and offerings accumulated to our fund for the school.

We had our fights, I used to start, speak and finish, finding him poised with a childish grin on his face.

One thing I disliked about going with him was, no matter where we went, he used to fiddle with me and all the cold stares pivoted at my face.

I always thought if he was invisible to everybody.

And again today he is doing the same thing. I looked at him again and said

“All of them are looking at us, just look at that aunty seated beside us “

He signaled that lady and when she saw us, he kissed me, she was shocked and I said “This is it”. I asked the driver to stop and started walking towards the never ending road.

Rahul came running, held my hand and was swinging it to and fro, humming some vague song I never heard of, nevertheless it sounded so good.

I started humming along ‘MMMMMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm”

He was laughing, I couldn’t stop myself too and we walked and walked in our world, just us with hands knotted and love entangled.

We reached the main road, I found all of them giving me weird looks, I said Rahul “leave my hand” he refused and held it tight.

He said “let’s go home soon, I am hungry, and I know you have something special for me today”

I smiled and said “Of course darling today is our Anniversary, so let me buy some flowers and sweets from the corner shop, head back home and dwell in your arms the whole day.”

He smiled and stood in the corner waiting for me.

I usually bought sweets from Paris corner.

The shopkeeper Ramu smiled and said.

“Today is Rahul Saab’s Birthday right, I remember it.”

He had kept the sweet box ready too. It had all the sweets Rahul loved.

I smiled and said “Thank you but it’s our anniv…” I just turned back and saw Rahul waving at Ramu.

And he was asking me to come soon. I was about to leave and then Rahul’s friend Reema appeared from nowhere…Rahul hid behind a fruit stall.

Reema said “Hey Riddhi, I am so glad to see you. I called you so many times, why dint you pick my call??? “I was grinning, looking at Rahul making faces at me.

Reema saw me and asked “Why are you smiling? “

I said “Nothing”.

She said “It’s great to see you smile, I know why you are here, today is Rahul’s birthday right??

I said a feeble “Yes” and wished to find a way to sprint at that time.

Reema was smiling too and pulled me across the street, I was perplexed.

She said “I know where you’re going, I want to come with you”.

But I said I don’t want to go anywhere, she smiled and said “I want to go, so come with me”

I was searching for Rahul, he was still hiding behind the fruit stall waving at me with a scorn.

I cursed him and walked with her to a beautiful park across the street.

Rahul and I enjoyed walking in this park. We had so many beautiful memories attached to every grass, every flower nurtured here.

While strolling I stumbled upon a stone…it was a tomb stone and by that time Reema came running towards me holding two bunches of flowers.

Reema looked at the grave and said” This will be the only grave in the world which is surrounded by exuberance, enclaved by colors, spirited with Life.

And it is, I thought. Can anyone find a grave in a park so beautiful...?

She took few tissues from my bag and swept the leaves away from the grave that read

Rahul Sharma

Born-1.1. 1980

Died -2.6.2007

Then I heard her cry, she hugged me and said “He was so full of life, I am seldom surprised to see flowers sprouting out of his grave.

Reema turned towards me and looked into my eyes and whispered “I miss him”...

I smiled and said “I don’t”

She was appalled and I was so sure that she would, anybody in her place couldn’t do better. She gave me a look which spoke many words, which were derogatory of course.

I said “lets go home and have some sweets, Rahul doesn’t like crying”.

Reema made a stupid excuse and left, I know I was rude nevertheless I was honest.

I realized then, Rahul had passed away 2 years after our wedding, he fell from the school building which was under construction and he came home the same night and we cried for weeks together but I realized, I had just lost the mortal in him, just the skin, the physicality but the person I loved was not dead, his love, his memories, his smile… they were eternally mine… and time cascaded smoothly until now.

We do all the things we used to shop, eat, sing dance, make love but the only person who can see and feel it is ME.

Rahul smiled at me and kissed my hand, and we marched home together to celebrate.

My dad said my fascinations about the dead were weird and imaginative.

I seldom ponder over what he said, it doesn’t matter to me if Rahul is real or a facet of my imagination.

All that matters to me is HE is with ME and I believe there is nothing such as Life after Death, there is only Life after Life and a beautiful one at that.

I heard Rahul screaming at the doorstep “Ree I am going to the school will come back soon,”

I saw him leaving, I knew he would come back.

I got dressed and was standing by the doorstep waiting for him while my neighbor Radha aunty was wondering what I was upto, she signaled me to go inside and shut the door.

I scorned at her and told myself... “Rahul I love you and my doors will always be open "Whenever You Come”.

Festival of lights

2009-10-08T01:30:00.000-07:00

I Ponder…

I fly...

I sulk…

I smile….

No more contemplating “The Why”

I reach out

With my voracious clasp

To the screaming spirits...

Convulsing beneath the abyss...

Trying to behold

In the Scorching Fizz….

I uproot them and scatter

Beyond the yonder skies...

And then..! What do I see...?

My Landscape so bright...

I look up and wonder…

My spirits shining high...

I Thank…

I relish...

I fathom...

I ravish…

“The Festival of lights”.

Death Wish

2009-08-31T04:12:00.000-07:00

Thoughts detonate

In my whims...

Like a drop of light in grim

I Flutter

With a pair of wings

In the morning sun

And vanish

I sulk

In the fabric of darkness

Into which I dissolve

And vanish

I ponder

over emptiness

beneath those walls

of four dimensions

I plunder

Deep into my roots

The less it seems

I shall ever know….

I trivialize

Our tiny lives,

flame the dreams

behind those fiery screams

swallowing worlds

And spitting out steams

I wander,

In the realms of my past...

In the closet of my present...

In the epitome of my Future...

Seen, done and wasted...

Making a Death Wish.

Preeti Venkateshan

Global Wobble

2009-02-18T13:46:00.000-08:00

Haven’t we heard these words somewhere? May be few of us have written about it, spoken about it and yes lets not ignore all of us are a divine lot who are knotted to this intensely vicious circle. Nevertheless what does Global Wobble remind us of... frustrated citizens, responsible business getting weaker, emergence for the need of enhanced social opportunity and most importantly economic opportunity…after religious contemplation, retrieval of memories and excavating the relevant literature I navigated to a point where I summarized Global Wobble as an adverse impact of the sum of events done in the interest of the society by the people living in it. The check here is, this is a total parody, I mean of the first order. Anything and everything we do to protect us, to secure us, to benefit us, leaves an unseen dust which may look trifle and insignificant but when time cascades the dust accumulates and binds with the pressure of the economic, social and cultural atmosphere and creates a hurricane of pandemonium which extends beyond the statutory obligations, legislations, human relations, economic cultural and social situations.

Proponents argue that there are two classes of people first one The Approvers, they are the pioneers, the building blocks of the world, any soul rich or poor who work tenaciously to improve their lives and the world and the second The Disapprovers who work to disapprove anything and everything done by the approvers, their only motto is to swim against the sea to prove a point, what is the point??? Well they don’t have an answer, but how many questions we ask, have one? Coming back to the point where we need to reside for a moment, the Disapprovers are accused for the wobble across the world. Why??? Well! Let’s see what they do fundamentalism, terrorism, vandalism, redtapism, nepotism, religionism, communalism, capitalism, communism a bountiful of “ISMS’ and what do they get? Let’s focus on the main aspects only, firstly Publicity! Oh sure they do… books have them, Newspapers, Politicians vows, Presidential speech all of them have just these people in them, around them, beside them, all over them. Secondly Fear! Not the Evil dead types fear but the Mad dog across the road types fear ,we never know when it may bite and we never know why it may bite and we also may never know what will happen to us after the bite ,we only have the privilege to know that there are Mad dogs! Nevertheless if we do a tiny introspection, run a virtual marathon and answer few questions to see if we are thinking in right direction. The first question will be Do these classes really exist??? All of us have an approver and a disapprover residing in our minds both may meet or may just be invisible to each other, they may react together or may individually, but the fact is they do co-exist ,as human is naturally prone to act in either ways. But why do we blame the disapprovers for the wobble in the world. If this theory is true, then the world sans “ISMS” should be heaven, is that so?? I don’t think so, this is purely my perception though, all of us are responsible in our own ways for the wobble, the contribution of each one of us may differ, but all of us have to accept the blame for the situation of the Poor Globe.

Firstly, how many of us really try our best to look at the varied inputs in our life and see what biases those inputs may hold on the society and the environment?

Secondly how many of us really in some way or the other don’t perpetuate our problems?? We all have our buttons of different sizes which holds us to the fabric of life…buttons of wealth, fame and name…buttons of love concern and care, buttons of selfishness, jealousy and remorse, buttons of welfare, kindness and peace and many more.

Thirdly how many of us are unflinchingly aware and altruistic people???
India is a country where we have a refined blend of mixture of opposites, the absolutely learned and the ignorant living together, and have got nothing to do with each other. Classes who don’t know to control birth and religiously follow more kids more income philosophy, follow ridiculous customs such as child marriage, sati, honor killing, female infanticide, tenaciously follow “Don’t educate women” philosophy, shamelessly spit on roads, religiously break traffic rules, throw trash on the streets, vote for money and there is another literate lot who efficiently pursue drunk driving, in the name of freedom involve in all kinds of divine habits, they are “The unaware and not bothered to be aware class”. The other learned Class completely aware of what is going on and the distinct role they play, but all that they do is complain about the world and its ways and proudly pursue “I am not interested in corruption and anything that is marred, I am learned and I am going to mind my work” philosophy .
These classes according to me are much more detrimental and lethal to a nation than terrorists and fundamentalists put together.
However let’s not ignore, a substantial class in the world,” The not so aware but willing to know class,”. They show concern, participate, go through all the hardships and humiliations, but still endeavor for the common good. They don’t save the world, but they leave a positive contribution and pioneer a genuine path to inspire the rest.

But the point here is, these classes are not the classes of people, these are the classes of mindset. We could have a person acting responsible and participative at an instance the next he may be indifferent. Same person could have different schools of thought at different instances.

In short, we’re all culprits, and we’re all victims.

So what is a society to do? How about its citizens? What’s the value in pointing out faults if we fail to offer any solutions?

So I have made my list to see how much I can try to reduce the wobble. It is more of a checklist, before I end my day, check them and see how much of it, do I really pursue.
My checklist enlists the following :

When we encounter the “Retail temptation” let us chose to meditate, read, or find some other channel.

Let us shop only if there is something we must have and on items that support life and is sustainable.

Let us buy things which can be recycled and can last longer.

Let us reduce consumption of Oil, Natural gas, Water and other Natural resources.

Let us protest against “free” trade agreements.

Let us support non profit organizations and NGO’s by volunteering money and time that support life, promote noble cause and have noble intentions towards the society.

Let us not stock up cars, home, and wardrobe. Three huge cars for a family of three make absolutely no sense.

Let us support local merchants, local growers, local farmers’, producers and suppliers rather than huge international brands.

Let us vote for relevant and productive politicians.

Take a walk or public transport, or do carpooling or take company cabs for office rather than own means of transport.

Ensure that all the investments we make are economically socially and environmentally responsible investments.

Talk to pervade awareness, at schools, slums, colleges about the impact of over population, sex education, pollution, poor working conditions, and other environmental, social, and political factors that contribute to a better living condition to avoid ramification of future generations.

Let’s turn off the idiot box for sometime and go for a stroll, meet new people, explore nature, pursue a hobby, enrich our creative stream.

At the end of the day, I do fall back on the list, I do not say I have done it all, but this acts as a control check, there is no hard and fast rule that we have to live in a specific way.
We might have a point of view which may say “ If I can afford, why should I underplay”. The quest here is why not??? If underplaying can do some good to us and our future generations in the long run, we can be a little selfless, can't we????
Lots to contemplate, it is our onus to make a contribution to the globe.
Evading might be impossible but atleast lets try to reduce the wobble.
Have integrity, let’s stand for something and believe in ourselves.

A Tryst..with self...

2009-02-02T21:16:00.000-08:00

Transcending from a meadow to gump,
A threshold leading to the core of a dump....
Like stepping from a cathedral into the street
Like a solitary sorrow perpetuating in fleet.....,

I beckoned my metaphysical pest.....
We navigated to re
mote tranquility ...
I saw an invitation for an eternal quest...
Plundered the mystics of her immaculate purity..

The stains in my fabric were then concealed.....
And boundlessness opened, I was retextured
Cascaded into the rivulets where weeds once were.
An evolution...a phase where reality was pictured...

I marvel at the unseen spirits which led...
To reveal the rhetoric of my self unsaid...

Alive...Am I?

2009-01-19T14:13:00.000-08:00

The Lightening stroke…
Down on my surface
I felt a moment of sharp pleasure
I watched the blood cascade…
I did it…don’t know why…
I wanted to drown in tranquility
Detonate into darkness
Perish….
But feeble shivers down my spine
Enchanted by the pervading blood…
Let out a scream….
I gazed at the trail of immaculate red…
Going down my wrist…
Wetting my Bed
The Journey seems endless…
I am confused…
I can still see myself
Drenched…
My eyes are sinking into tears
My heartbeats retard with fear…..
My spirits float high..
Higher than the sky....
& Then....I heard...
Surprise!! Surprise!!!!
My Vicious Fate whispered..
You are not Dead…

Mistakes I Made

2009-01-03T04:48:00.000-08:00

Darkness cascading into my mind….
Exploring the depths I could find…
Chivalrous of breaking the mould
Indifferent to the tongues hot and cold…

Every moment was a new life led…
Every drop multiplied when I bled…
Every pain felt like a rose on my bed…
Every smile mocked at the alive and dead….

I sulk in the snippets of you and me…
The face of time we scorned with glee...
The refinement I was compelled to see…
Our parting emotion, when you had to flee

I miss you indeed,”The Mistakes I made”.
The happiness you gave, thou never shall fade…..

Problems..

2008-12-19T04:50:00.000-08:00

Look! I heard them pour
On the roof with a feeble uproar
Cascading the tiny gaps of the door
Into my mind, away from the shore.

They boiled hotter brimming with doubt.
I wondered what all the chaos was about
They told me they were my problems
And were waiting for a chance to sprout.

I wondered with utmost amaze
Is this my life or just a phase?
I smiled and said “Be my guest”…
Stay for long, this is your nest…

They were more than happy to stay
They troubled me indeed everyday
But I smiled with having nothing to say…
Rather than seeking Mirth,
With them I started to play.

Adieu

2008-12-09T07:11:00.000-08:00

We despise to say goodbye
Yet we have to bid farewell
Prayer of a tryst we can eye
An idyllic hope we can foretell

The future is concealed in curtain,
The waters are uncertain
Wishing you mirth brighter than a lantern
Wishing you a life without a burden.

Farewell, we utter with pain
Farewell in incandescence or rain
Farewell in frivolity and sane,
Farewell, hoping you have a lot to gain.

This Moment would come, we never knew
Hoping you live all the dreams you pursue,
For a person with fabric of varied hue
Few Humble hearts biding you adieu.

My Thoughts and I

2008-11-23T10:55:00.000-08:00

Few thoughts ran across the Lane…..
Tired were they in agony and pain…
Bruised were few and the others were slain…
Frivolous were few, the others were sane…..

Wandering across my mind with feign….
Down pouring vengeance like rain,
Wondering what do they want to attain….
Prayed to them for an idyllic explain…

Said one with outmost disdain…
Nurturing us for your avaricious gain…
Our abstinence would make you vain…
Nevertheless you are molding us mundane….
Devoid of reverence or ordain.

Unfair was their row of accusations inane…
Shoved them away, tenacious to refrain….
Now thoughtless am I, unable to ingrane…
I have become Dumb not purely insane….:)

Life is a Parody

2008-11-23T09:47:00.000-08:00

Have you ever wondered, if we were able to navigate in the right direction in life, can we be sure that the destination is right? Does right means lead to the right end??? Life is surely weird, it is a capricious blend of parody, I mused. Gazing at my image in the crystal clear waters brimming in the pool, I heard my conscience whisper, how have you been Neha Damodaran, I have not heard from you since a long time, it seems you have forgotten I exist. I had no answer, but she was true, I had forgotten my conscience. I was in the mood of introspection that evening, the party was boring anyway, so just moved towards the pool to have a tryst with myself. Being alone in the evening was a miracle in my life since a couple of years. I tried to navigate to my past, not a pleasant resort to relax, but I couldn’t erase it off my back. What if mind was a piece of paper? I could erase what I want, keep what I like, discard them and take a new one. But that’s not possible is it??? I took out my wallet, I usually don’t pay for my expenses. I always thought that Nature nurtured men to pamper me and yes they did. I gave them a good deal as well, so never had any guilt or missed an ounce of my self esteem. I opened my wallet and saw a cute picture of my parents. Beautiful Mom, her name was Sneha, she had named me Neha, may be because we looked similar, she gave me the name which rhymes with hers. I couldn’t stop staring at her, Long tresses, bright face decorated with doe eyes, nose that could pierce through gravity and soft pink lips. She was an upcoming model, envied by all. Nature had blessed her with bountiful of attributes, gave her all the happiness she wanted, but took all of them away in a minute. Handsome dad Damadoran, he was the only man I will ever love and admire. He was an Adonis, resembled Richard Gere. We lived in Chennai. My parents were the happening couple, they were happy together. I was the token of their happiness. Unfortunately that did not last long. Mom was successful, but after my birth, she stopped getting offers, Success, fame and money are worse than narcotics and she was addicted to it. When things stopped coming her way, she started to go in other ways to get her things. When dad was not around, my house would be filled with the presence of my mom’s ex-love interest, he was a very famous designer. She just wanted the gloss back. Every evening when I came back from school, I could see her barely clad in anything and behaving in weird manner with some strange men I did not know, she used to take tablets, drink and take drugs to prevent her from thinking. The greatest part was dad was aware of it. He was a Gentleman. I still remember the evening they spoke, Dad said “why are you doing this to me, I have given you all that you want, we have a daughter, give up your ways if not for you and me ,at least for her .If she loses respect for us, we will be a complete failure. I still love you, I can forget everything and start a new life.” She cried as loud as she could and said “I have never loved anybody as much as you, when I am with any men, I just imagine I am with you, I know what I am doing is wrong, but I can’t fight against my temptations, and I am too weak. I can’t lead an ordinary life where I am not noticed. I am addicted to all that is bad, Please help me, take me out from this garbage, and I promise I won’t do this again.” She fell at dad’s feet. He said lets go to a psychologist tomorrow, I am sure it is going to take time for you to come out of your wild ways, lets hope for the good. Let’s move to Hyderabad and start lives afresh just like the good olden days. She smiled and said “Your will is my command”.
We had gone out for dinner to Pizza hut on that day after a long time. We had fun, I felt like everything was normal, until the next morning. Dad was not to be seen, I woke up Mom, she said “He might have gone to doctor Mishra for the appointment, he will come back sweets, come have your breakfast”, but somewhere in her mind, she did not feel all right. Last night before she could sleep, her ex love interest had asked her to come to his guesthouse. She shouted at him and said “Please don’t call me again, I am not getting into this garbage anymore, and I do not want your money”. He couldn’t take it, both had a tiff, he threatened her before ending the call. She did not take it seriously as he was drunk and she knew he was just an empty vessel making noise. But now, it kept ringing in her mind, that he might have harmed my dad. We searched for him the entire day through our sources, mom was crying, she blamed herself for this plight, both of us knew she was true in believing so. She gave me dinner, and was still weeping, her eyes were swollen, I wanted some cold water, so opened the fridge, something fell down, it was a letter, for me it was Tsunami, gave it to mom she read it. She was not surprised, she just wiped her tears, took some rice in the plate and said “sweets lets eat well, we have lots of work to do from tomorrow”. She dint tell me anything, that night she hugged me and slept well after a long time. I was happy for her, but what about dad?? Next morning, she got me dressed for school, I heard the mom telling the maid who drops me to school that “Damodaran Saab has eloped with his colleagues’ wife, it seems his colleague was an alcoholic and when I was doing my thing, Saab used to be so disturbed, he used to go to his colleague’s house and there things grew, I also heard they have a kid of their own.” I was angry, I remember calling him gentleman, and he behaved so. Was it pretence? If a woman can accept a philandering man as husband, why can’t a man forgive a woman and accept her??? I asked Mom where is dad, she said “ I made mistakes, your dad dint, I would have lived with the guilt all my life, now your dad has done the same, I am not haunted anymore. I was not in my senses when I went wrong and I was willing to change, but you father did this with all his senses, he did not think about you, When a man goes to many women and comes back to his wife no matter what the reason is, he is accepted by his wife and the society, the women who say no are considered prude, but when a women makes the same mistake, Most of the men don’t take them, if they do the society calls them fools. Your dad is a good man, I love him, I know he did not want to leave us, its his inbuilt ego talking, I am not expecting him to come back, let he be happy wherever he is. I am sure he will come back one day to see you and me, I will be waiting for that moment all my life. I have been a bad parent to you, Please don’t leave me for this, and I don’t have a life without you”. I will make up for all that I have missed.” She hugged me tight, and I felt good, I did miss my dad, but if he were here mom would have not changed. Mom did start a life afresh, we sold our house and moved to Hyderabad. She found herself a neat job in a private company and came home by 8 PM, 15 years passed by, we had our own ups and downs small tiffs, but Mom and I were best buddies, she talked about work, the people who used to hit on her, almost the entire office, but mom had learnt a lesson, she was too strong to budge .She always slept with a picture of dad next to her. I wanted to see him too, but I did not know where he was. Mom and I spent our lives hoping to see him. Life was getting better, I presume our destiny wasn’t, Mom met with an accident and was paralyzed, I got a call when I was in the class dictating notes, and I rushed to the hospital. Doctors told me she will be fine, as long as the treatment is consistent and she has the spirits to improve and live longer. So I decided that I am never going to tell her anything which hampers her spirits, we did have savings, but I thought of picking up a part time job. My friends, my age and my attitude were more than adequate reasons to take me to the temptation island. Nevertheless being from a broken family, mom never made me feel lonely. She always gave me what I wanted, I was noticed and pampered. Now I started seeking this from others as well. I had the beauty, charm and I did not see a reason why I won’t be famous. I started my journey by lying to mom that I am going to part time tuition classes, hit all the pubs, clubs, roadsides, hotels. Made a lot of acquaintances and friends, few were good, few were bad. Few used me up and left me high and dry, few were used by me to the point where they had no one to cry. Initially it was just playing around, I used to get paid for accompanying businessmen, then later it took me to a different stage, thirst for money and fame blindfolded me completely. My dad used to tell me I look like my mom, but I am sure he would not have expected this. When I think, I felt like a worm, so I stopped thinking. As I wanted, in couple of years I was able to accumulate money enough to graduate abroad. Mom was getting better, and was trying to walk now. Two years have passed since her accident. I wondered what she would think of me, if she comes to know what I have done so far. I am sure she will kill herself. She has the impression of shaping up a good daughter, I decided to leave all the unparliamentarily habits, futile memories behind and be a good girl to her. But it’s not possible at once, I was trying harder, every day to be normal, to sound immaculate, my guilt was eating me up. Nevertheless I was making an attempt to improve, that gave me a good feeling. Fortunately I had managed to retain few good friends, thanks to them. Just then I heard someone call “Neha, can you come here please, Dinner is ready to be served” .I jerked, “It was a long introspection session, I almost got lost in the time machine, I presume the party is over”, said to myself. I entered the hall, there was a huge flashy painting which caught my eye… the painting, which had the message “He who lives without discipline dies without honor.” I smiled , what is this message doing in here, and what a dichotomy.” Does anybody know how to spell these words here? I mused and then I heard someone whispering “Hello there…. Is that your boyfriend? I think you can do better than that!”
I just turned back…Oh no another gentleman trying to get his way in…
I looked in his eyes and said…I heard that you were a Lady-killer. They take one look at you and die of shock

He just looked at me, could feel the heat of my scorn, he murmured something vague and unintelligent, moved across the other side of the room and before I could notice, he was able to impress another damsel with his obsolete pick up lines. All that I wanted to provide the men who were staring at me was my absence, I was tired of it but could not move as it was Aryan’s Party. Aryan was a millionaire, handsome NRI, famous personality in town, host of this grand party in his palatial farmhouse. He was quite capable of getting whom he wants…When my friends saw his invitation; they were thrilled, I was happy to meet him too.
According to me, Aryan was not just another man, he was a good man.
I met him for the first time couple of months back in a party. He was quietly seated in a corner, lost in an unknown island of memories. I moved towards his seat and said.. Were you arrested earlier? It has got be illegal to look that good.” Aryan was smiling, he said, “I am sorry lady, do not get me wrong, Could we just mind our work”.
I did not like the way he spoke, for the kind of beauty I am, Mother Nature has given me in abundance. Creamy soft white skin, silky lips, luscious hair cascading down my slender frame. Ok not all of this, and yes I overdid the beauty thing, not a great beauty but yes I was presentable. However, I did not want to give up, it was not about the money, he had hurt my self esteem, I wanted to avenge, make him mad about me. From then, I started showing up wherever he went, through my sources I had got his schedules memorized. Aryan did notice it, one fine day, he came up to me and said,
“Hello Lady, I do not know who you are, but why are you following me. Please do not waste your time”
I said, “I am wasting my time on you, coz I do not want to waste my life on others”. I wouldn’t imagine of saying something like this even to my mother, but I did not know why I was behaving so. I had fallen in love with him, not for the money or charm, something about him reminded me of dad and every girl as far as I have known, wants a husband like her dad. I was angry with dad but I still respected him. I heard Aryans parents had started an NGO, they died in a Car accident few months back when Aryan was in Denmark doing his Masters in International Business and he had to return to India to take good care of the NGO now . He used to spend most of his time helping people in need, when most of them ,of his caliber moved around claiming mob endorsement. He stood out by doing what he liked the most and what he liked was for the common good.
Aryan did not react to what I said, he knew what kind of a person I was, I was sure he had no respect for me and I wanted to change his opinion. He said” If you require some freebies, I shall give it to you, don’t have to go through this tough process of impressing me, I am a tough nut”. I asked him “What makes you think you are better than me”.
Aryan was quick, he said with ease “Self esteem”.
“Firstly I do not market myself for fame, secondly I do not portray a different picture, cover my face with grease, uncover my body to the minimal for money, thirdly I believe the civilization has conferred some of its pronounced benefits in me, which enables me to live with just one person whom I love and not move from one to another, ruining marriages with fake promises, in search of wealth or pleasure, and finally life is not about taking, its about giving. Security does not lie in things we have, it is in things we can do without, learn to earn your food by doing something mentionable, not by cheating others.”
I said is that all, He said, “I am sorry Neha, I know each person has the right to chose their path, I cant comment on you, as you have not harmed anybody, but I was not happy with you behavior, you are my guest, I have treated you badly, I profoundly apologize”.
I asked him “Aryan if you have the time, may I speak??”
He said “Sure”.
I said, “Firstly, tell me who does not market himself. All of us sell ourselves, some people for money, some people for fame, some for self actualization, and some for survival. Mahatma Gandhi chose to market himself as a messiah for peace, Mother Teresa as an icon for social service, Bin laden as a fanatic defending the world for his people and don’t you market yourself as a person who is born to serve, we like it or not, we do it. Just because you do service doesn’t make u any better. All of us in this world crave for satisfaction. I am from a normal family and I get satisfaction by living a high life, so I chose to live this way. You get satisfaction by serving people, somewhere down the line your mind may whisper that such a wealthy person like you is doing service without enjoying life, this may motivate you to feel better. So you are craving for satisfaction as well. Both of us are selfish enough to crave for satisfaction both don’t harm anybody, but the ways we claim satisfaction is different, so that doesn’t make you any different .We have the same destination, our paths are different. You don’t know the value of money, as you have it. I crave for it, coz I don’t have it.”
Secondly, if all women in the world wanted to live with just one man, be virgins or civilized like you say, the world could be worse than its now. Men by nature are polygamous, they need women, many women. If all women wrapped themselves and stay disciplined where the curious teenagers, widowers, desperate middle aged men, commitment phobic men, Men who just want some fun go. As we are available, they don’t have to struggle much, it doesn’t get complicated. If all the women turn out as you expect, these men may get more vulnerable and crimes against women will increase. You have no idea, how many women with my kind of values have moderated men with hostile ideals. Only because of women like me who give up so called morals, the women you respect are safe. I trade my morals for money. Things may look flashy, we have our problems as well. So I am not expecting you to appreciate but please don’t be such a reductionist. You help poor people hungry for food by giving money, I help poor men hungry for pleasure by taking money, and both are services. Your service is considered noble, mine is not. Society is wicked, they can’t stop it, they want it, but they won’t support it”. Please broaden your mind, a person of your caliber, can afford better perspectives ,I don’t intend to convince you, but this is all I had to tell you, take it or leave it”. Aryan was very patient, he smiled and said “I am impressed, you are surely more than what I expected and I am sorry about my outlook. I may agree to you, but can’t accept it. I would not want the women in my family to have this perspective. In future even you may not accept if your son brings home a woman like this. Nevertheless your conviction and self respect is worthy of appreciation. I would be happy if you allow me to make a suggestion”
He said “ My uncle is hosting a party tomorrow, and I would be glad if you could come”
I said,” Sure”. I was lost in my thoughts about how I met Aryan and dint notice what was happening in the party and just then Aryan called me, he introduced me to his uncle. He asked me out for a walk, I was surprised, there was a huge change in his attitude towards me and it was too fast for me to handle, but I was happy.
He said” You don’t seem to be a person who is driven by materialism, I discovered by the way you spoke, you are intelligent, smart and have the conviction, can you teach children in my NGO? I cannot pay you much, I don’t think you can buy perfume with what I pay you, but I promise you a life full of fulfillment. I know its perspectives which decides that, but I have a feeling that you will like it .I have an idea of your past, I know what you do and I know you may continue to be this way. The school closes at 4, so you will be free to pursue your interests after that. We have a lot of big people coming to our NGO to offer donation, so you may use that opportunity if you want, but outside our premises, he scorned”.
I did not care much, just said” All right, I will do it”. I couldn’t tell him no, wanted to see him everyday inspite of his over the top sarcasm ,this was the only chance I thought and yes teaching children will keep me fresh and Mom will be very happy too.
So from next day I started going to the NGO, a year passed by, I found myself more drawn to the kids, I stopped going out with friends, I stopped dreaming about Aryan all the time, my social life was shot to death, I got dressed in 5 minutes, I used to spend more than 15 hours everyday in the Ngo teaching children and helping others. I was really happy, was thankful to Aryan for that, we shifted mom to the Ngo as well, so we started living there. Mom and I discovered a new world there. Surprisingly Aryan and I became close, he used to come with mom and me for long walks, he liked mom a lot. Mom used to cook for him, he still scorned at me, but I sensed that he liked me even more. I was waiting for the day when he asks me to marry him. I told mom about that. She said “Neha, he is too far for us, do not spoil your life by dreaming big, Aryan is a very good boy, he deserves a better home, and I don’t want you to spoil his life and yours”. I felt bad, but she was true, I had ruined my life, he was disciplined, he deserves a better girl I thought and decided to remain away. From next day, I tried to keep distance, stopped talking to him, he could sense it.
He came to me and asked “what is wrong, why are you avoiding me”
I said “No I am not, just a little pre-occupied”
Aryan said, “That is all right, I shall ask someone to share your work, but please talk to me, I can’t live without seeing you or listening to you”.
I dint know how to react, my wait for a year was fruitful, my dream was becoming a reality but I knew I dint deserve him, so quietly moved inside the class. Aryan came home that evening and spoke to mom about our marriage and convinced her.
When I entered I saw Aryan with his uncle and my mom eating sweets. Mom hugged me and said “Happy married life”.
I did not react, I looked at Aryan and said, “I am not interested in being a part of your Charity Plans, if you think you are doing me a favor by marrying me, you are wrong. I am sure marrying a person like me will make you feel good about yourself, I am not going to let you feel so, I want to be loved, not sympathized”
All of them in the NGO had gathered near my quarters. Aryan held my arms and said “I want you to be with me, I do not care about your past or present, I want your future to be with me, I promise I wont use any sarcasm coz its too far away from the respect I have for you now, I would be glad if you would marry me, if not I will spend my life married to my memories about you” I looked at mom, she was happy, I said yes. There was a loud applause from the people gathered around. We had a small party that night, all of them danced and sang, mom danced too, after 20 years. She was happy for the first time after two decades. “I wished if dad was here.” Mom told me “I am sure he will be wishing good for you sweetie” and hugged me tight. Aryan did not have many relatives, he always considered people in the NGO as his family members. We had a simple wedding. Mom asked Aryan “Do you have a picture of your parents, we can do a puja for them before starting the ceremony, and it will be like a blessing from them for your good married life. Aryan said “Aunty when I came back from Denmark, all the things were moved to another house, I found only one old picture and I have given it for lamination, they will be giving it tomorrow, so we can do a puja at home”. Aryans uncle was the witness from his side and mom from mine. The marriage ceremony was over, the food was great, and all those tiny tots got me a gift and performed a Bollywood number for us. I never thought my wedding will be so memorable. I really loved my husband and he loved me too. I was in heaven, truly madly and deeply.
We had to go to Aryans house in the evening, we had to spend our first night there. Aryans uncle called mom to help him. Mom went early to make arrangements, she greeted us with a sweet smile, she finished with the aarthi and all, guest around were making fun, that my mom looked prettier than me, anyway they were true. Aryan told me his parent’s picture has not come yet, so we did a simple Durga puja, and had our lavish dinner. That night Aryan told me” We are going to spend our life together ,sleep with your mom today, she must be feeling lonely” I moved to mom’s room ,she dint ask me why I came there, she just hugged me tight and said, “I love you and I am sorry” . I thought she still considers her behavior responsible for the plight we went through” I said “ You are the best Mom I could ever have, and don’t be sorry for anything”. We slept well that day, next morning I couldn’t find mom, thought she might have gone somewhere, so Aryan and myself had gone out to meet his friends, Aryan got a call there, that they found my Moms body in the nearby well, I was shocked, the ground under my feet started tumbling, I lost my consciousness. When I regained my senses I was in the hospital, Aryan told me Mom had committed suicide, I asked why?? He said, “ I don’t know, may be you were the only support she had, now your married, she can’t expect you to be around her, so she must have made that decision”. I couldn’t believe, I dint get to see her body as well. I remembered the night before she killed herself, she apologized to me, and so she had planned it. I sobbed for days ,but its human tendency, the sobbing reduced, and Aryan and me began a new life, six months passed by, I was pregnant, Aryan was happy, so was I. he said,” I want my baby to start its life where I did, lets go to our old mansion”. I was delighted, I was curious to know about Aryans past, about my in-laws’ , so we headed to our old house, we took few days to settle, Aryan asked me not to clean the house, but I used to, The old lady in the house told me that doing some work will ease my delivery” .So I was cleaning my In-laws room, was in fact searching for their picture, I dint find any, Aryan had told me that they don’t like posing for pictures, and as he was away from them for years together, he dint know where they keep things. Aryans uncle came to the room and said “ Beta come I shall help you”, I asked him for the picture, he said “ Let me find them for you, meanwhile could you get me some coffee”. So I was making coffee and Uncle shouted, “ Hey who wants to see their in laws” .I was excited, well!! I was sure that they would be beautiful, as Aryan cannot be born to a normal looking couple “ . I was imagining them before I entered the room, I gave him coffee and looked at the picture, I said “Are you sure they are Aryan’s parents, my in-laws”? He laughed and said “I am old, but not old enough to forget my sister and brother in law”. Now I knew why Mom had killed herself and I was sure she had taken the laminated picture Aryan had spoken about. I dint see the picture ever again, because it had my dad Mr. Damodaran with his new wife and she was not my mom but Aryan’s mom. Aryan and I not only shared our lives but also our father, we were unconventional siblings, like animals. How stupid of mom I thought, she can’t hide facts by killing herself or disposing a picture. I made my decision with ease, I looked at my dad, for the last time, said to him, “Thank you for your son and you are going to be a granddad soon” .I just kept the picture under the closet and smiled at uncle went back to the hall, Aryan was sitting there watching a movie, went nearby him and said “ I love you”. He said “ I love you too sweetie” and took me in his arms, I felt warm and protected, I shut my eyes and mind in the face of agony, in the face of conventions, in the face of memories. No words spoken, because…….
“When you have spoken the word, it reigns over you. When it is unspoken you reign over it.”

Maya

2008-09-21T22:37:00.000-07:00

Hello!! I am Raghav…“May I know your name”
The voice echoed across the room…
It was like a dream…
Because it can’t be real…Maya thought…
But she couldn’t stop hearing it…and moreover she did not want to stop listening to Raghav…
Every second she spent with him flashed across the big pink walls...felt like watching a movie in a multiplex…
Was it true...it cant be…Maya mused
Raghav was no more…
He had committed suicide, but Maya was not able to fathom…she still could feel him in her arms…
She was lost in the memories of Raghav…and she wanted to die there…
That was the most known territory for her…
“How can he die…What was wrong with him…Did he kill himself because of me…?
Yes!! If he had married some one else he would have been happy!!
What was his best friend Mukesh doing when he jumped off the cliff…?
What are friends for…?
Couldn’t he save him…For me, for him, for all?
Maya was weeping…It was a routine for her to cry for 20 hours a day…
All of a sudden she heard a noise at the door…
Knock…Knock…
There was a feeble knock at the door….
At twelve in the midnight…
Who could it be…Maya mused…?
Is that the wind….or a stray dog…?
Or leaves. Trying to comfort her…
It could never be a human being...
It was months since she saw one of her species…
Maya befriended loneliness for a change…
Now that won’t leave her…would it???
Anyway between her thoughts and perception and time…
She could still hear the noise.
Knock Knock!!!!
Maya was scared….rather petrified…..
A little tremble wrapped her like a Mother…..
She was chanting the name of Lord Ram….and slowly gathered all her strength and peeped through the window to see who had the courtesy to knock at her door…at that hour of the cold breezy night…
She would have been happy even it was a vandal or a stealer...
At least on pretext of some benefit they would have entered her house…
She longed to speak to someone... if not dear... at least near...
When she peeped... she saw…a beautiful night…
Soft winds singing duet with the beautiful flowers….
The trees dancing to their tunes...
The dogs on the streets playing with their mates…
The cows feeding their calves…
It was so pleasant…She thought…
But no one could be seen knocking at the door…
Wonder who????
But she was not irritated...
After a long time… she felt good…!!!
Went back to her room…
Sat in one corner…and was looking at it…
Was big…
Huge Baby Pink walls…
With MF Hussein Paintings…beautiful lamps…sparkling dangles…
Huge bed… could accommodate a hundred mortals….
Soft creamy bed spreads… pillows as soft as a baby’s bottom…
A huge LCD television… speakers…laptop…placed on a big sandalwood rack…
A huge cabinet with the most expensive clothing …bags… shoes…cosmetics…
Versace…Gucci…Maybeline, Avon, L’Oreal Paris….and many more… she couldn’t remember the names….
Her so called corner…Looked like the room of a princess…
All the luxury a person could desire…
She had it…
But yet she felt worse than a worm…
Staring at the gigantic golden chandelier…
Never had seen or heard of such a big decorative piece…
Raghav had got it from an auction when they had been to Italy….
Those were the best days of her life…
Thoughts about him sent shivers down her spine…
Her handsome Doctor husband….
Her life…her world…
She always wondered would there be any mortal in the world who was as lucky as she was…
Raghav was one of the finest men nature could have ever nurtured…She said to herself…
Born with a diamond spoon…in a royal family…but chose to be a doctor…
If he wished he could have owned all the hospitals in the district…but he chose to work in a village…For AIDS patients… very noble deed…she thought.
He looked like a Hollywood star…if not better
6Feet…Soft Creamy skin…large green eyes…Beautiful smile…Husky voice
Completely fit physique…When she saw him ...she said to herself…
“What is such a handsome man doing in this village…?
He should have been in Movies…”
The first words he said to her…
Hello!! I am Raghav…“May I know your name”
She felt enchanted…
Never in her life had she come across people who were willing to know her name
And here was a very handsome doctor…staring into her eyes and talking sweetly…
She was happy for the first time in her life…
Of course she had a reason…
A poor girl abandoned by her mother in a garbage van…
Taken to an orphanage…
Brought up with leftovers…
The same stories what happens in movies…
But …it was like a miracle…like a storm which swept all her unhappiness
Which she had earned for two decades…
She still remembers the day….it is still fresh in her mind…and will be forever
Rampur…A small village in Gujarat…was the place she was born in…and wished to die in…
She loved her village it looked like the pictures on a wall poster…
Beautiful fields…thousands of trees…millions of flowers….
Enchanting rivers…clean lanes…but since six months
Cholera had embraced her village like a lover…
People were dying and as it was summer… the disease was traveling across Rampur in the speed of light… and as usual no response from the big people in her village…
She was visiting the government hospital in Rampur on a hot sunny day in summer…
For a change the hospital was not as bad as she thought it was…
There she saw a group of doctors sitting under a tent and looking into few x ray reports…
There were 10 people…5 girls and 5 men…
Girls were very sober…tired…”May be they dint sleep last night,
So many people are infected…They must have toiled hard to treat them, she thought”
She felt sorry for them…
Maya went to her ashram…saw if anyone was around…
Went to the backyard...there were many trees of different fruits…
There were herbal plants…sweet smelling flowers…
She plucked few mint leaves…few sweet litchis and cherries…
She plucked some herbs…
Ran to her kitchen from the backside…
Took lots of cold water from the Earthen Pot
It was boiling hot outside…
She thought a cold herbal drink would be heaven for them in this hot summer
Made a drink…tasted it…Felt it tasted good…
So happily she went to the hospital...
When she approached the tent…
She felt low…How could I give them..??
Would they accept anything from me…?
They look like rich educated people...
The girls are so beautiful...
What will they think if they look at a short well fed dark skinned girl, with deep black eyes, blunt nose, chapped brown lips which had never seen a smile…long hair as thick as her destiny and dirty torn clothes ,offering them something to drink…
Maya never had anything nice to describe about her…
The only thing she loved herself for, was her unselfishness…She dint expect anything from her life…
She stood there lost in her thoughts as usual…
Then she felt like…someone was standing behind her…
Before she turned back…
She heard a husky voice
Hello!! I am Raghav…“May I know your name”
When she turned...she gasped for breath…
Here she was an ugly duckling…
She had never heard of sweet words ever…
What does an Orphan get from the world anyway she thought…
People in Rampur used to call her Bad Omen…
Nobody cared for her…
But today…A handsome man… Never in her standards…
Asked for her name…It was just a name nothing more…
Neither did she anticipate anything from others…
But she felt great!!!
Raghav looked in her eyes…He felt like watching the sea…Full of uncertainty and pain…Not a conventionally good looking woman but something about her attracted him…he dint know what…but he felt blissful…
“She stammered…Maa y..ya”
Raghav laughed and said…”I am not going to give you any injection…
So don’t worry…I am a normal person like you…You can talk to me like you talk to your friends…”
She was puzzled…Friends? what’s that..???
“I do not have friends so I don’t know how to speak to them…so I don’t know how to speak to you” Raghav saw her shivering…
He felt sorry for her…
So he said…”Don’t lie, I am your friend…talk to me as much as you want…he smiled at her…”
She was the happiest person in the world she thought…
She liked him in the first instance…
But life had thought her a lesson…
Not to expect…so she liked a lot of things but never expected to get them…
Raghav was one among them…the first and the last man she ever liked and will like she said to herself…
Raghav asked her “what you are holding in your hand…?”
She smiled and said…
“I got some herbal drink for you people, your friends looked tired and worn out…
This is a very healthy drink…” Keeps you fresh and energetic…
He smiled and said “I heard Rampur is a nice village…now I know why”
Maya did not know to react to a compliment…had never received one before…
She had a vacant impression… he knew about it…
So he went with her to the tent and said…
“Hey buddies look what I have for you!! Healthy drink prepared by a special person from Rampur”
All of them were delighted…
Maya felt they were waiting for some food…
All the doctors there thanked her
She was happy…
Never felt so special…
After all had their drink he took her to the hospital…
Did a blood test and all the other examinations and said “you don’t have cholera… its just an infection, tablets will do good…”and smiled…
She gathered courage and said why you are so kind to me…
When people in my village are not…
So he shot back…It is because you’re going to be my wife…
How can I be rude to you?”
She did not react; she knew it’s too good to be true…
She said thank you and left…
Raghav did not expect such a reaction…He gets hundred proposals every week from attractive women
And here she was…indifferent with blunt reaction …he was embarrassed but felt good
He wanted to speak to her even more…He liked her capriciousness…
He always wanted a girl who likes him not for his looks profession or wealth but for him…
He watched her leave and yelled…
Maya “Don’t forget to collect your blood reports tomorrow, and get me some herbal drink as well”
Maya did not turn…she dint want to see him again…
But that was not courtesy…
That night her mind was at war…
Raghav’ face, his voice, his nature
But she never wanted her emotions take control over her, “what if Raghav leaves tomorrow? The problems I have are more than sufficient for me
Let me not go tomorrow…”Maya said to herself and prayed to Lord Ram for a Nice day and slept well…
She dint go near the hospital for a week…
It was difficult for Maya to hide…
But she had faced bigger problems…
Raghav waited for her…
He dint know why he missed her…
Had seen her only for couple of hours…
He thought “I have seen so many beautiful girls running behind me… but why am I missing her...what does she have in her that disturbs me so much..”??
He saw her blood report and called one of the staff in the hospital and enquired about Maya…he spent the entire week thinking about her….
Maya as usual was doing her regular work…did not go to the hospital…
Cleaning, cooking, and getting beaten by the guardian of the ashram for nothing…
Going to the temple…singing bhajans…
“This week seemed long”, she told the sparrows, trying to put up a smile…
They were chirping around her happily…
She heard the guardian yelling…
Ran towards the kitchen…she knew that yelling would have been for her…
She saw Raghav there…
Was shocked
What on earth was he doing here? she thought…
He smiled at her, when she came to the entrance
He had his entire crew of doctors…
He came to her and said…
“I don’t know to mince words…”
“Will you marry me?”
I am not willing to marry you because of my principles or sympathy
I believe a person like you can bring up a good generation…
And I have chosen you to be the mother of my future kids…
She was not surprised…was expressionless
The guardian was happy…for once…
Raghav said…think and let me know…
I shall pick you up and let’s move on…
Maya looked at his bright face and said…
Raghav you know why my parents abandoned me??
He said yes I saw your blood report…
And you still want to marry me???
Raghav said yes…
Maya laughed…she dint know why…
May be coz she did not want to cry…
She looked at his friends and said…
Please advice your beloved friend
I have AIDS…
I may not only die but also infect him…
I can’t imagine of having kids…
Why is your friend hell bent on losing his life…
He can get any girl he wants…
So Raghav said.” I want you, if you don’t agree I won’t get married at all…”
”I believe in destiny, this was destined”
Maya said “I don’t think so, let’s see, you rich people don’t know the value of emotions…Please go back home and do your work”
Raghav went home spoke about this to his father…
His father was petrified…
He said, “ If you marry that women you can’t enter my house
Are you crazy…?
You are a prince
A doctor…
Why do you want to marry an AIDS patient…?
I want my generation to be healthy and happy
Its all right if you can’t bring goodwill kindly don’t defame our family name”
Raghav said…”I believe in destiny, this was destined”
He was adamant he left for Rampur…
Built a tent in front of the hospital and started his work…
Maya came to know of it…
She ran to the hospital...
Raghav looked at her and asked
Are you sick???
Maya said No
So he said “Then come in the evening, I don’t want to keep my patients waiting for my personal work”
Maya met him in the evening…
Raghav said…
“Maya I love you…I want to marry you, all of us die someday
I want to die after living a life with a girl I love…
Even if it’s for a day, I shall be obliged…”
Maya couldn’t stop her tears…
She said “Both of us know I am not worth you, I respect your decision. I shall marry you and at any point in time if you don’t want me…Just let me know. I shall live with your memories all my life”
Raghav smiled and said “You may never have to face that”
Raghav and Maya got married…
It was a simple yet satisfying wedding.
Both were happy…
Raghav’s friends were proud…
They had their honeymoon in Italy...
Maya had never gone out of Rampur...
So everything she saw was new to her...
She enjoyed every moment with her husband in her arms…
Maya always asked Raghav...
Why did you choose me …?
Raghav smiled and said “Because I love you”
When they came back from Italy…
They were shocked
Raghav’s father had a heart attack on the day they left to Italy
He fell sick after he heard that his son got married to Maya
Raghav’s friend told him …that before dying his father and told that his final rites has to be performed by his cousin Ramesh…and his son Raghav should not be informed..
Raghav went to his house took the pot with his dad’s ashes and wept…
His dad had given him all that a son could ask for…
Was the best dad...
Raghav felt guilty, all his relatives were staring angrily
He left the place…Maya was sobbing. she said
“It is all because of me…”
Raghav said…”I believe in destiny, this was destined”
That was followed by a period of utmost happiness…
Maya was spellbound looking at the love her husband gave her…
She was unable to react…
However as the days passed by she became very possessive…
Raghav’s best friend Mukesh was the reason…
He used to spend the entire evening with him..
Maya hated him..
Neither did Mukesh like Maya
Raghav tried to improve their relations but both dint budge…
Mukesh always felt Maya was not good enough for him..
And Maya felt Mukesh was trying to take Raghav away from her..
Raghav loved both unconditionally
As the days passed by Maya’s health condition deteriorated
Raghav could not do anything other than look at his helpless wife…
None of his ailments worked for her…
One of his maids told him, that there is a medicinal plant in Sanjeevini parvath
15 km away from his farmhouse ,this can cure Maya’s sickness at least momentarily.
He was a doctor ,he knew that there could be no use, but love for his wife urged him to try once…it is just an attempt for a good purpose he thought
Let me go with Mukesh..
Mukesh was very brilliant in finding the right herbs..
He went home and called Maya..
He told her “Maya I am going out with Mukesh…we have something in private to discuss”
Maya was angry …
She retorted “Raghav if I see you with Mukesh again I won’t talk to you”
He smiled and said “This is my last talk with him and I’m going to give you a surprise gift, just wait and watch”
Raghav and Mukesh left to the mountains in his Maruti800 car…Raghav had bought that from his salary..
He said to Mukesh “Remember those days, we used to go for long drives in the mountain ranges…lie on the grass and stare at the beautiful blanket with silver studs up above. Count the number of birds flying…make huge garlands from sweet smelling flowers. Swim in the blue rivers…Stare at the unblemished Moon…the twilight hour. It was so wonderful.. Hope Maya was here..”
Mukesh nodded his head but grunted…How he can miss his wife.. when I am right beside him…She was never a part of this trip at any point…
He thought all men are like that..
If tomorrow he finds his love,he might be the same if not worse…
So they reached the Sanjivini parvath..
The maid had gone with Mukesh to this place before..
So Mukesh knew where he can find those plants..
So Mukesh led Raghav…
They reached the pinnacle of the mountain..
Raghav felt like heaven..
The entire world looked down under buried in depths
He could touch the clouds…he went screaming
“I Love you Maya”
Mukesh was so irritated…,Raghav looked at him and gave him a sarcastic smile…
Mukesh found the herbs, he was about to go down to get it..
He pulled Raghav and said .”Stay here”
Raghav said “I want to do it myself, I want to make the medicine from my own hands and give it to my wife”
Mukesh was angry…he knew it was risky but nothing was in his hands.”
“Raghav was an adult, he should know what’s good for him… Let me go from here. let he do what he wants” He thought to himself and moved towards the car..
While he was walking he heard a loud shriek…
Maya….!!
He sounded different this time…However he loves shouting her name all the time he thought. But he couldn’t hear Raghav after that..
Mukesh ran to the spot…
And found Raghav had fallen from the cliff…
His head was smashed against a hard rock below the mountains..
Mukesh froze…
He had warned him against going down…Raghav had assured he would pluck only those plants which were in the front..
Raghav had cheated him…
How could he? Now what will I tell Maya..
She hates me already….he sobbed…trembled ,felt like jumping..
His best friend had died and he was helpless…
He dint jump as he had an obligation. He had to fulfill his friend’s ambition…’
Mukesh called few people from the surroundings…
He took one of them along and moved to Raghav’s farmhouse..
Maya saw Mukesh coming alone…
She smiled..
All her thought was about what surprise gift Raghav is going to give her… She knew Raghav loved to give surprises…
Mukesh had no nerve to say anything..
He sat in one corner…
Maya Suddenly began to sense something has gone wrong…
She had never seen Mukesh so quiet…
She said to Mukesh “Hello Mukesh, what’s in store for me”
Mukesh had never heard Maya speaking so softly to him…
He wondered how destiny played games with them…
He dint react…
The person who came with Mukesh was his uncle Ramlal..
Maya dint know much about Raghav’s relatives..
Ramlal was angry, he walked in and looked at Maya and said “You stole our son from us ,now you have killed him as well”
Maya’s world came tumbling down
She couldn’t see anything for a moment…
What did he say “I killed him”
Which means he is dead???
She couldn’t cry, couldn’t move, felt like a dead body…
She ran to Mukesh and asked him what happened…
He dint react…
Just walked away…
He couldn’t face Maya…
He blamed himself for Raghav’s Death…
If he was with Raghav, he wouldn’t have slipped down the cliff..
Ramlal yelled at Maya..
“You killed him…If he had not married you he would have lived like a king..
You swallowed his father, now he has committed suicide…because he couldn’t bear the defamation against his family…You don’t have to return anything to us. Please don’t come into our village and spoil our family..”
Maya was not allowed to see his body…
The whole village started talking ill about her..
She was used to it…
But wondered what was wrong with her fate…
Raghav loved her so much…why did he commit suicide…?
Maya was not able to fathom why Raghav did this to her…
She wanted to ask Mukesh …what went wrong, as he was with Raghav in his final moment..
But he was not to be seen…
Her fate was rude she thought..
It was good for once.. and back to square one again…
She sobbed…for days without food and water, tried to commit suicide…
She was saved by her maids..
Maya laughed at herself “Even Death hated me”
All the moments she spent with Raghav flashed across her mind..
Was going on and on…
She felt he was near her all the time..
Speaking to her…embracing her…
Everything she saw was like a dream…
She longed for company…
Someone she could speak to..
A shoulder to cry..
She had never expected anything from life until now…
Maya prayed to Lord Ram…
She said “Just a soul to listen, nothing else I shall ask of you”
She heard a knock…
Well she was hearing it for the second time…
She moved to the hall to answer the door..
Was sure it was nobody…
After Raghav left, the entire village had abandoned her..
But she still opened the door…expecting some mischievous winds
No!!! it was Mukesh…
She was shocked and happy!
After a long time she had found someone…
Lord had answered her prayers…
Mukesh went inside quietly..
She gave him some biscuits with warm water
Biscuits were old and stale…
Maya said…No milk…you know nobody comes here hope you don’t mind…
I don’t want to send you empty stomach…
Mukesh dint feel like eating…it had bad odor
But to see her smile he ate a few…
Mukesh looked at Maya
She looked terrible….Bony…
Her disease had eaten her…
She was not able to walk ,dragged herself out..
He thought she is going to be with Raghav soon…
She came and sat near him and said…
“Did Raghav commit suicide…
Why did he do that??”
Mukesh nodded his head in dissent….
He had tears in his eyes…He was amazed at people’s belligerence…How can they poison the mind of such an innocent girl he thought..
Dint say anything..
Maya saw his eyes…
She said with a grin “I got the answer,
I know he dint want to leave me, don’t worry I shall go there soon and fight with him…”
Mukesh hoped she dint go…he knew why Raghav loved her…
For once he felt Raghav was right…he was lucky to have her…
He got up to leave…
Maya looked at him in his eyes….her eyes spoke to him…
All that he heard was…
“You know I am dying
I love your friend more than my life…
I tried to kill myself as well…
But now I don’t want to die…
His ambition was to serve AIDS patients..
He got married to one as well.
I want to fulfill his dreams…That’s the only way I can pay him back
Till I die I want to serve people like me…
I do not want sympathy or luxury of the world…
I want your support to fulfill Raghav’s dreams
I am not forcing you, do not get me wrong
But I would be obliged if you could be a support for me, like you were for my husband…
I am sure he will be happy for us…and that is all we want”
Mukesh did not say anything..
He moved towards the door…
Locked it..
Came back to her and looked at her with gleaming eyes…
She smiled and said thank you
Mukesh wagged his huge tail and said…..
“woof woof”..
Maya said that’s the softest bark I have ever heard..
He jumped on her and licked her …
She happily carried him and moved to her large room happily..
Like her husband Raghav said
”I believe in destiny, this was destined.
She knew, they were destined to be happy forever!!!

A Day...with Nature

2008-09-21T22:29:00.000-07:00

Silent whispers pervading softly down the lane…..
Beckoning vivid memories frivolous and sane…
Cascading through serrated realm of boons and bane…..
How soothing are the tiny drops of rain…..

Dark Blanket embodied with silver stone....
Mystics of a beautiful night I have never known..
The rhythmic sway of sweet smelling trees....
The benevolence of the capricious breeze....

The refulgence of the silky blue sea..
Chasing the soft shore, trying to flee...
When all the beautiful creations of thee
Are hovering the horizon with glee...
Mother Nature!!!!
On your soft lap, I would lay to see
A dream where I am me...
When Life wants to let me free
I shall offer you my soul as fee....

Acquaintance

2008-07-30T22:24:00.000-07:00

The walls of my mind whispered nebulous descriptions.
And the floors echoed them to boundless abstractions
If invidious creation of living is thy onus, in profound indulgence,
Omni-self nature is inevitably mortals' unflinching acquaintance
Perpetuating generation of lives to pursue civilization,
Draping abstract disguise to evade ramification,
Profess tenaciously to future, the streamlined history, for acceptance.
Questioning mortals: Are you shadows or my minds audacious acquaintance?
Dwelled within, since souls incorporation,
With introspective blend of reflections and dereliction,
Deliciously squaring, capricious fates eloquent circumstance,
Conscience!! Are you my friend, foe or a garrulous acquaintance?
But finally the jingoistic concepts of my intellectual eminence,
Confessed that she is a cousin of insanity and not an empirical acquaintance.

Childhood days

2008-07-30T22:21:00.000-07:00

Lying on the grass I see...
Birds flying happy and gay,
I was one among them
During my childhood days
Wandering without clothes
nothing to hide...
Innocent and unacquainted
with the world so wide,
Smiles that could pass through woods and heavy tide..
Bloomed with laughter and never cried..
Smelling of twigs,dung and hay..
I still remember my childhood days
As days began to get hotter and hotter,
My childhood memories began to totter.
Physical and mental changes..
Wondered what happened to my parents only daughter,
And before dawn ....
My childhood had gone....
Now people call me teen,
This is the worst nightmare I have ever seen.
Here I am alone in this city,
NO ONE TO FEEL SORRY NO ONE TO PITY :(

Outburst of Joy

2008-07-30T22:20:00.000-07:00

The logical plays of transvestite powers...
Plugs savouring life to perpetual sours and
when tumid incandescence transcends the fortune coy
Apparent will be the outburst of joy.
When garish echoes are heard in the treasure...
When life's atrocities are ineffable to measure...
If consequent is the downpour of mirth,Oh Boy!!!!
Extravagant will be the outburst of joy.

Desolate Woman

2008-07-30T22:15:00.000-07:00

The room was adequately small,
To hold the pain of one,
Unfolding vast depths of her downfall,
Nurtured since the long run...
While musing about her melody so tragic,
Over her lain the silence of the night..
Her happiness seems to have vanished by magic,
A broken commitment detonated on her,
Like a flame of fright....
Delighted was she few moments ago,
Illuminating an incandescent sheen...
But her beloved made her forgo
Her love so immaculate,so clean.
She endeavoured to beckon those moments
where she was a lover,a heavenly wife..
But those blissful moments burried in a hollow
refused to recompose...
Leaving her desolated in life.

Perceptions

2008-07-30T22:13:00.000-07:00

Words and Words, I paint in my ink
With the brush of pen on this canvas of world.
Myriad hues of hidden,obvious clues,
soaked in juices of life, all sour and sweet.
Warm smiles, tears bitter,some happy moments & sad others,
I mix 'em all in cauldron of my palms,to make u a brew of life.
The exuberance of varied hue,
The fates parody marinated in brew
Paints the ineffable logic of life
and whispers a song forever anew
Like the tears of the air shines as a dew
Like the shredded clothing is mended by sew
Endeavor to swim across the shallowness of life
Pervading smiles allover,returning destiny its due.

Baseless Thoughts......

2008-07-30T22:10:00.000-07:00

My Mind goes round and round....
Through paths known and unfound.......
Yet so near...yet so far.......
Nothing to salvage nothing to mar...
Often lost in a perpetual quest
Of exploring desires and conquests....
Wondering if all thoughts pervaded melody...
Wondering if all visions abstained from parody....
Would life then be a beautiful song......
Or a fabricated lyric all gone wrong....
Transcending from the vast virtual sea.....
Striving to locate the thoughts nurtured by me....
Embarked on an eternal travel .....
To excavate my minds marvel.....
Impossible it seems,to get a hold....
To match the pace of the rivulets unfold...
Coz...my mind goes round and round..
Through Paths Known and unfound....

Confusion

2008-07-30T21:30:00.000-07:00

Mr Right or Mr Left I do not know
Neither am I aware of such entities...
Nor have any interest to show.....
Do they really live on Earth
Or are just a node of my imagination
If they do exist..there will be dearth
Unless subject to utmost fabrication..
However at times I think....
How nice it would be if I found one..
But a relevant quest which refuses to sink.
How is it possible when there are none
Wonder whats wrong or right....
Wonder whats in or out of my sight....
Mr Right or Mr Left I do not know
Neither am I aware of such entities...
Nor have any interest to show.....